You have been formed of three partsābody, breath and mind. Of these, the first two are yours insofar as they are only in your care. The third alone is truly yours.Ā
āMarcus Aurelius, Meditations, 12.3
I find it oddly satisfying when the weather matches my mood. Something about rain and dense grey clouds on the days when my mood is low ā¦ something about sunshine when my heart feels light. I prefer when my mood dictates the weather, not the other way aroundābut that is rarely the case. One would think that after all these years of being human, I would have come to accept that I do not get to determine the forecast.Ā
Nonetheless, lately, I have been fortunate that the weather matches my moodā¦about 75% of the time. My prayer right now is that both my emotional and mental disposition shift as fast as possible because the seasons are changing and I can no longer rely on waking up to grey skies. Summer is coming, yet here I amāfrozen. Not physically frozen, but emotionally. I recently learned the word for this kind of emotional stucknessārumination.Ā
For months, I recall sharing with a trusted accomplice how ābrokenā I felt. Picture a toy which is malfunctioning and is stuck making the same, annoying noises over and over and over again. Beep, beep, beep. That is my mind, at 5:00 am when I wake up, at a 10:00 am meeting, at 4:30 pm when I am taking a walk and just as I am about to turn in at 10:00 pm. Looping. Broken.Ā
It is more of a burden than I can properly articulate. It is especially challenging to make sense of it when, on the outside, I look just fine. Left, right and centre I am receiving amazing opportunities, my friendships and relationships are beautiful, the weather is what most people want it to be, and my physical body is strong. The paradox of trying to make sense of myself (to myself) is ever more perplexing.Ā
I am looking for a different way of being.Ā
In my search to change my inner emotional landscape, I have learned about what does not work. In case you are feeling similarly or know someone who is, allow me to share what not to do.
(i) Do not use shame as a tactic to [un]freeze yourselfĀ
I tried speaking down to myself, comparing myself with others who seemed to have āmade it outā, recalling memories where I was shamed and using these as fuel, as well as isolating myself. I thought that the way through was to stress my psyche (again and again), find the āweakā parts, and then eliminate them. Brutal. Simply brutal and heartbreaking.Ā
Rather than help me out of the cave I was in, what shame did was to dig me into a deeper pitāone where I truthfully felt alone, where I thought no one cared, and where I believed no one would miss my disappearance. Shame kept me frozen.Ā
Fortunately, I have people in my life who will intentionally come looking for me and throw me a rope to pull me out of whatever well of darkness I fell into. I have people who leave clues on the trail so that I know which paths to take if I get lost in the wilderness of my mind. Thankfully, I have someone who will answer my call at 3:00 am when shame is burning my heart and threatening to take me out swiftly. To these people, I say, āThank you.āĀ Ā
(ii) Do not take advice from people who cannot stand with you when you break down
Intentions versus impactsāI like to remind people that these do not always match. Some of the people that we have allowed to stay in our lives can only love us when we are āOKā. They cannot stand seeing us in bits and pieces, crying on the floor, unable to eat for days. Their kind of love is for the āgood timesā. Their kind of love is limited to the version of you that āhas it togetherā. I am not sure that I can call that āloveā.Ā
In my mind and heart, I harbour scars of people who said and did things with good intentions even when the impacts were detrimental. The ones who told me to ālook on the bright sideā or ājust think positiveā or āI am just being honest with youāso take it or leave itā or ācanāt you just stop fighting yourself?ā. I hear you. And maybe I was not clear enough when I came to ask for your supportā¦Ā
Coming to you in such a vulnerable state took more courage and strength than I can quantify. It was not my first instinct to reach out and unburden myselfābut I did. And if you have the privilege of hearing my story, at least humble yourself enough to say āI do not know what to say right now, but I am here and I am listeningā.Ā
Sometimes, I just needed a caring witness who was present and available; someone who could look me in the eyes when my face was swollen and tender from crying and say, āI am here with you and I care.ā And the most precious words I have heard are, āThank you for trusting me enough to share this.āĀ
Caveat: I also want to acknowledge the risk of getting stuck in feeling helpless. I have learned that there is strength in asking for help, and also strength in making a determined choice to take action for myself. Neither a sense of hyper-independence nor helplessness serves me, and I offer that they do not serve you either.
(iii) Do not try to (over)think the pain away
This creates suffering. And yes, there is a difference between pain and suffering.Ā
I recently listened to a podcast episode where Ryan Holiday was a guest. After listening to him, I bought and began reading his book, The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living. Then, one night, Ryan appeared in my dream. I do not remember what he and I were chatting about in the dream, but I was pretty shocked that heāof all people whose books I have readāwould make an appearance in my dreamscape. Anywayā¦
I first heard about stoicism around 5 years ago but only came across Ryanās work early last year. I did not think too much of this school of philosophy, but I found myself somewhat oppositional to stoicism due to the nature of abrasive callousness that I first assumed it espoused. When I listened to Ryan again, I began to see facets of stoicism that I had glossed over. So with curiosity (and exasperation due to my mental suffering), I bought the book. It has been a relatively intriguing but also complicated publication to readānot because it is difficult to understand, but because it rubs against my disposition to process emotion through more somatic-based practices rather than through reason.Ā
I am learning that stoicism does not provide an end-all-be-all pathway to move through lifeās grand challenges, but it does offer a worthwhile perspective to mitigate suffering. Pain is pain, but because of (over) thinking, pain can become suffering. While I do not resonate with the privileging of reason and logic as put forward in stoicism, I am grateful to know that there are ways out of āfreeze modeā that demand less mental and emotional bandwidth from me.
My body and heart will continue to be my primary teachers. Alongside these worthwhile accomplices in this journey called life, I can also tap into my logic (with discernment) to short-circuit my way out of the loops of suffering that I oft create.Ā
thawing, in progress
I would hope to continue offering insights on what to do when you find yourself experiencing a state of āstucknessā or āfrozen/ruminationā. Like you, I am also learning on the go. Some strategies are workingātemporarily, sustainably, terribly and brilliantly. Through it all, I remain in awe of the stories my mind can conjure, the ways my body signals all sorts of emotions and the variability of my heartās pulses.Ā
Itās odd to be so aware of oneself, yet feel so distant from self. Sometimes, it feels as though I am watching myself moving through lifeāfrom the most mundane tasks to more complicated situations. Thereās a constant pair of eyes on me; hovering but unscrutinizing. They witness me becoming me.
Once in a while, I drop down from the skies into my body, travel to my heart and mind, look at myself in the mirror and softly ask, āWho are you?ā
I will let you know when I find out.Ā
Emotions are consistently cast as the opposition in a war that never seems to end. The scorched earth of your heart bears the scars, but your heart was never meant to be a battlefield. Your heart is a garden.Ā
ā Dr Anita Phillips