(un)hatched patience: worth the wait
every ounce of this goodness that is hatching now has required my grounded patience, courageous hope, and dedicated discipline to the practice of love
That which is love cannot withhold love ~ Marianne Williamson
If I am to see you again,
Hold you as I did in the intimacy of our space/time dimension;
If I am to love you again,
Care for you as I did the calla lilies by the window;
If I am to write about you again,
Penning anger and rage from the raw nature of caramelized honey;
If I am to remember you again,
Searching for you through boxes and bags at the back of my closet walls—
I need you to know that I choose to do this out of my own will.
That I returned to you with full discernment and understanding of everything you did.
That I hold a record of pain and heartbreak scribed in too many journals to count,
That I am not foolish, that I am not lost, that I am not without doubt.
I am moving with great awareness that, once again, I might step on a sharp stone.
I am treading softly on this arid land because I have been learning from teachers of the desert.
I choose to see you again for the kindness of your being—
while recalling the harshness of your words.
I choose to give you the privilege of my presence—
because you and I are one.
I choose to sit with the feelings of rage, anger, frustration, and fear—
because I now know how to tap into discernment and life-sustaining love.
I choose to say your name with a tender tongue—
because breaking your heart does not heal mine.
I choose to show up for myself by moving at a pace that honours the conflict of this moment, because I ran out of steam and vitality trying to chase your approval and validation.
And, dear one,
I choose to listen – ever so deeply to myself, to you, and to the life-thread holding us together – because I have learned that to forgive you is a ritual. I have learned that everytime I show up for this ritual with integrity, I take one step towards my place of peace, power, and lasting presence.
This is my transformation. It has required me to hibernate and isolate for so long.
As I slowly emerge, I ask that you also hold me with tenderness. The world changed so much while I was battling with words and thoughts that wanted my spirit.
This woman who is climbing out of the dark cave is a new body, mind, heart, and being. I am learning a foreign language of my own soul, and sometimes, it feels easier to wear the coat I was used to before all of this began.
But every time I am tempted to return to the version of me that was quick to run, hide, numb out, and deny, I am reminded that life and love did not and will not give up on me. I am reminded of the wellspring of love within that I can always tap into. It feels unfair to extend this grace despite all the pain.
But nothing has humbled me as much as coming to the awareness that my loving presence here today is nothing short of Grace itself.
If I am to live and love again, I will do it with everything in me.
gracefully yours,
<3